PHILOSOPHY IN THE BOUDOIR
by Bernard Marcoux, Sainte-Adèle
Why did human being invent bridge?
Probably to prolong sexual pleasure. Oops! What am I
saying?
Well, some will say: What a twisted mind!
How can we talk sex about bridge? It seems obvious to me.
As sexuality is limited in time, human being was forced to
create other games that would give as much fun as sex, but would
last longer. Hence the invention of the bridge. QED.
When a sex session with your spouse has lasted an hour or
two (I know, I know, I embellish, but I am a man after all), it
is the
top (you see, we are not far from bridge).
At bridge, this pleasure with your spouse (!) lasts 3 hours
or more, with several tops and several fiascos, this last word
used by
French author Stendhal to describe precisely a sexual
failure. You see again that sex and bridge are not far apart.
Between two or three tops per week in bed (I know, I know I
exaggerate yet again), and 4-5 tops or more per night at the
bridge
club, there is no dilemma: quick, let’s go to the bridge
club. Especially that tops in bed are exhausting, while tops at
bridge,
you often only sit there and they fall from the sky!
Others tops, however, occur because they are conjured,
imagined, they are created from scratch by the mere power of
your
mind. At these moments, one can live a very erotic
experience!
LHO opens 1NT 15-17. Your hand:
K x x
K 7 3
Q x x
A K x x
Your partner passes, responder also and you decide to pass,
your flat distribution not appropriate for balancing. Your
partner
leads the 5 of hearts (3rd/5th).
Dummy
A 10 x x
Q 9 x
10 x x
J x x
You
K x x
K 7 x
Q x x
A K x x
This beginning does not look very exciting.
Declarer calls
for small in dummy, you play the 7 and declarer wins the 8.
Declarer plays the Q, partner plays the 8
(reverse count, showing three cards), dummy plays small, and you
too.
Declarer then plays the J, 7 from partner,
small in dummy.
Like the desire that sometimes occurs without warning,
instinctively, you duck again, without haste or hesitation.
This flirt with danger excites you, especially as it is good
bridge : you duck to have a chance to beat the contract (you are
playing team game), to give declarer a chance to go wrong.
Indeed, South plays a third spade, your partner follows and
declarer is at the crossroads : to play the Ace or not, as
Hamlet
would say ? Two seconds pass, 6, 10, 15, 30 seconds,
declarer hesitates, sniffing the air like an animal, trying to
sense the
danger.
The animal would not go wrong, but a human
being cannot reasonably believe that you have stiffed
your King of spades.
All your senses are awakened. Your heart
is pounding. You relive your first love at first sight. What a
pleasure ! South finally
calls for the 10 in dummy and you win
your stiff King. First plateau of pleasure !
You enjoy this
first success and take a breather.
How can you now lead this to
the ultimate point, like the surrealists would say ? "Courage
is something that needs to be
organized," said the French writer Malraux. Like a top and sexual pleasure at bridge, or vice
versa, as you like!
Now the King of clubs ?... NO!
Keep your libido in check…
and your nerves! Exit in diamonds, hoping your partner has the
Jack. Declarer plays the Ace
(2 from partner, she likes),
followed by the King.
Seeing the endplay coming (the fiasco),
you throw your Queen under the King (are we not ready sometimes
to drop everything
for a flirt?).
South plays a 3rd Diamond,
Jack from your partner, who also cashes 8, everybody discarding
a club.
The position is now:
Dummy
A
Q 9
--
J x
You
--
K x
---
A K x
Everything is ready, ecstasy is approaching.
Your partner
holds your destiny in her hands.
All she needs now is J10 of
hearts (is it not fortunate that the heart is at the heart of
this flirt?).
You are not asking for much, only J10 of hearts.
You glance at her and her face, her allure, her posture,
everything tells you she
will play the Jack of hearts.
After
the 8 of Diamonds, she puts the Jack of hearts on the table!
You do not believe your eyes, you have succeeded.
Your heart
skips a beat, you almost faint, you soar in the sky : the top is
there, within easy reach.
You're ready to swear loyalty to her
until the end of your days, or hers, or at least until the end
of the hand.
Your bold flirt, brilliant and risky, has created
tricks that were non-existent for the defence.
You already see
the +50 that you will proudly show your partners (1 spade, 2
hearts, 2 diamonds and 2 clubs). Added to their
90 (you doubt
that your opponents can play as well as you!), you will earn 5
beautiful Imps created by a flirt, a daring trap set
for
declarer.
While you float on cloud nine, inebriated by the fragrance
of this intellectual orgasm, dreaming of your future glory (this
hand will
surely appear in newspapers), at the supreme moment,
South ducks in dummy !!!??? What’s happening ? This play
really
makes you get off your cloud.
Forced to return to earth,
you look at the situation. What can you do?
The more you think
about it, the more you see that there's nothing to do.
South’s
latest coup, so simple, cancels your two brilliant shots.
Upset, disenchanted, frustrated, you play a small heart on your
partner’s Jack. South takes the Ace and endplays you in
hearts!
Finished! South will write +90 instead of -50.
Very impressed by this competent play, you take a look at
declarer and you notice for the first time that it is a woman.
Trying to make eye contact to compliment her on the quality of
her game, you only see at first her magnificent rasta-style
chestnut hair. Sensing your eyes on her, she turns her head
towards you, her emerald eyes plunge deep into your soul (and
even a little farther) and she says :
- In these troubled times, isn’t bridge the safest form of sex?
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